The Real Chin Lee Affair

The following was an email I'd sent to a select few to further explain my encounter with a male nurse during my hospital stay for surgery on my feet a little over a week ago. Now some of you may think it inappropriate and some of you may giggle your socks off over the fact that I've posted something so personal regarding the most basic human function and how things can go surprisingly awry very quickly. So! If you have this insane urge to satisfy your primal need to enjoy the embarrassment of another read on...

I really feel like I have to come clean as far as the Chin Lee incident is concerned. If you don’t know what I’m talking about so far, read my blogspot blog post. It gives a kind of history of my brief encounter with Chin Lee. Suffice to say, I was mortified, shocked, embarrassed and stoned.

Like I said, when Chin introduced himself to me, he was in the dog box to start with. I’m not racist. At least I don’t think I am. It's just when you’re in a vulnerable state and you’re drugged, uncomfortable, tired and pissed off, the last thing you want is a smiling asian man wanting to poke and prod you and check your vitals. I’m sure you can understand when I say that when you are in a hospital issue gown with those groovy you-beaut balloon shaped green hospital knickers encasing your privates, male company is the last thing you want. Asian or otherwise.

Anyway, on with my story. When he tapped me lightly and introduced himself and had taken my BP and temperature I was in dire need and I couldn’t help but say “Can I have a bed pan, please?” My bladder was aching. Thank God for a strong pelvic floor or I would have squirted all over the place. Anyway, he comes back NOT with a normal bed bed pan with sides on it, but some wedge shaped thing that scoops under your bum and the other end has a hole in it to pee into. Well, holy crap! I lifted my bum for him to scoop me, tried to remove those awful hospital issue knickers and keep my dignity all in one smooth move and then look at him as if to say “you honestly think I am going to pee in front of you Mr?” Well he then moves out and waits patiently on the other side of the curtain. Well, it just kept coming and coming and my eyes rolled to the top of my head and I truly learnt what heaven was about. I then attempt to scoop up my groovy knickers, lift my bum (which has now stuck firmly to the wedge on the bed pan), take my weight on my recently operated on feet while covering myself all before he has the chance to pop his grinning head through the split in the curtains. Not to happen. Bum was stuck fast to the pan and the knickers were tangled nicely on my surgical shoes and wee was splashing around the bed pan. I’ll take a photo of the shoes so you can picture just how sexy I was looking.

He manages to peel the wedge from my bum and extricate it from beneath me. All I’m thinking is Oh My God! But he grins nicely and exits for the next hour carrying my DNA. Bliss... For all of 45 minutes. So... BUZZZZZZZ!!!! Curtain flaps, in comes Chin.
“Can I have another bed pan pleeeeeeaaase?”
“hooohhh! Yo' pee a rot!”
“So would you if you had these bags pumping stuff into your veins too!”
“Yes. IV make you absor’ vey efficientry. But yo' rea' goo' at it!”
“haah! Bed pan! Quickly please!”
Chin exits and enters again very quickly with the awful wedge. He slips it under my bum. I try to get those groovy green undies down far enough to wee but not enough to uncover me. I am so busting! He just stands there. “Chin, this is so unnatural to be peeing on top of a bed, would you mind...”
“oh! Ye'! O' course!” and he exits behind the curtain.
Aaaaaahhhhhhhhhhh..... Oh no! No! NOOOOOOO!!!!! As a result of busting to the brink, vanity and wedge bed pan, the pee shoots straight up and over the top of the bed pan and all over the bed!!!!! Chin hears my distress and enters through the curtain. “Oh my... I am so sorry Chin. I peed the bed!!!! I am so sorry!” I am dying of embarrassment...
“hoh! Yo' velly goo' at peeing! Yo' do this a' home?”
“No! I don’t know how this happened!” (I do but I won't go into detail for him).
He sits me on a chair and proceeds to change my bed. Nice chappy that he is. He says “Yo' rucky I haf’ goo' soul!”
“I am so sorry!”
“No yo' not! Yo' don’ be solly. Yo’ buzzer is my rife tonight. We are goo' together”.
Back in bed and its all good for an hour or so. BBBBBBUUUUZZZZZ!!!!!!
Chin enters with bed pan. He tells me “yo' onry nee’ green pant for surgery. No nee' fo' them now.”
“Are you kidding? Its the only thing between you and I and they’re staying!”
“haa! Oh yo' too sexy!”
“haaaah! You know it! Careful now, or I might just wet the bed for you again!”
Chin exits behind curtain.
AAAHaaaaaaaahhhhhhh!!!!....... What the? NO! No! NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!! OH MY GOD!!!!! TWICE!!!!! I PEED THE BED T.W.I.C.E.!!!!!!!!
Chin enters “Hohhh!!!! Yo' ARE my RIFE tonight!!!”
I am so dying of embarrassment! I even wet the gown too. He can’t work the gown out. Too many buttons and tags to negotiate. I get it right and put the new one on I show him how I made the gown behave.
“Oh! Yo' tink yo' better than me huh?”
“Absolutely! And don’t you forget it!”
And while he is making my bed we are giggling and laughing and being cheeky with one another. We try to be quiet for the other ladies but it just makes us worse. You know how that is...
The next time he comes to the buzzer, I make him walk me to the toilet which is way way way too soon and my wound starts bleeding profusely. He goes to wipe up some blood off the floor of the toilet with a paper towel but has neglected to put on latex gloves.
“hoh! I’m no’ suppose to touch patien’ blood wi’ my hand...” He looks at me “Yo' a nice girl?”
“haaaahhhh!!!! Look at me! I pee the bed and I have sexy green knickers! What do you think?”
“Oh yeah! It's all goo’ then! Haaaaah”

He came to me later as his shift was ending. He grinned, shook my hand and thanked me for being a good patient and making his night enjoyable. The feeling was mutual. I just wish I’d had the camera. It was worth scrapping.

Comments

[Lynette]

Hello Lynette! Fancy meeting you here! Testing 1,2,3

[tory]

roflmao....yes those slipper pans are just nastey. don't worry lynette it happens all the time. did you get a post op sponge? i loved mine after i had the kids. it was so nice to have your back washed with warm water when you felt so grotty.

[candice]

Oh my, that is quite a story....it's amazing the things we can get away with doing when in the hospital huh? LOL I could NEVER do Chin's job. :) Sorry for your embarrassement, but thanks for making my laugh.

Hope you are feeling better.

YAY!!!! typepad!!!

[candice]

Oops, I meant...making me laugh

[Janette]

Hello Darling Kiwi,
Please don't hate me but every time I read this I laugh so hard. NOT because of your embarrASSment. BUT b/c you tell a story so well. You really should write a book, or two or three. I would buy them all. :) So glad you posted this story on your new blog. I loved the email and now others can enjoy it too! YOU rock my friend. Hope your feet are feeling better. Love ya!

[melinda]

Lynette first I better tell you I found you on Kristi's blog and secondly hope you feel better. That was a very well told story. I laughed at how you turned embarassment into humor. Good for you! Glad Chin was so good to ya!

[Lynette]

Hi Melinda! Welcome! It's really weird how my stalkers tune in through Kristi's blog! ha!

[Kristi Smith]

I am so happy you posted this!!! It totally cracks me up. Now everyone can laugh at your wonderful storytelling. Melinda was a stalker I didn't even know about until a couple of days ago, she's sneaky. lol And I found out she doesn't live to far away from me!!! I was happy she finally came out of hiding! Now who can I e-mail this link to? =)

[Kristi Smith]

Oh, and I really like your new "pad"!!!

[kendra]

LOL! So funny Lynette! Thank you for sharing your embarrassing story. It's a good one!

[melinda]

thanks for welcoming me Lynette. You are way talented girl- Kristi will have to fill you in on how I started stalking her blog. Really only happened by chance.

[Latharia]

Kristi told me to come over for a good time ... and she wasn't kidding. Great story! Awesome! :D

[Jill Geraghty-Grovesj]

ROFLMAO You are such a GLAMOURPUSS!!!! (strangely comforting to know I'm not alone!)
xxJilly

[Lynette]

I actually sat giggling to myself for a couple of days after this. I thought "how embarrassing! and I'm not going to tell anyone because they might think I'm a serial bed wetter or something. Every nurse I spoke to reassured me that that sort of thing is nothing and then I realised that I would be pretty good at peeing in the grand scheme of things haaaa! and No. 1 accidents as opposed to No.2 accidents in hospital beds across the country/continents/world would be nothing! but mine was funny so I had to share it. Now everyone on the www knows about my bed wetting habits!

Yes, Jill! Glamourpuss! Not alone? You mean you are good at peeing too?

[Kessa]

Oh Lynnette you can't hit 40 without a GREAT "wetting story". You go girl wet knickers and all, surgical to say the least. This is so you to put your humour in front of those things we just don't talk about (keep it in the family). Good on you and Chin Lee you had a bond and I could just see you tring to keep quiet whilst laughing soo much your sides feel like bursting.

Thankyou for the invite to this page. Don't forget you need to clean the carpets and take the stash of cash you had hidden in the hidey place at the last place you were at.

[Kessa]

Meant to say "wet bed sheets' not "knickers" but I can't get back into the message. Oh get another glass of wine and don't worry about it, Kessa. Worry about what? I don't know what? Happy New Space!!!! or new house wishes. I bags wetting the bed first oh doesn't matter Lynette has already done it. Okay I bags jumping on the beds and turning all the lights on and off. When is the party Lynette - Can I come?????

[Kristi Smith]

I love the clock up there, very cool. And the photos on the side. And the banner. Wow, you are doing a great job setting up your page!!!

Beautiful family too! =)

[donnapiranha]

I'm here. You said to "bare" with you, so I'm sitting here naked. What's next?
Signed
Red Pen Lady

[Lynette]

You know what Donna? Oops! I forgot the comma. You know what, Donna? I sometimes post without proof reading and then go back and think "what was I thinking?" and I go back to correct things and then get side-tracked. Grammatical errors? I can't be bothered with. Spelling errors? the older I get the worse I'm getting.

Hi Kessa! How much wine did you have?

Kristi, everything here is from typepad. I just chose and clicked. Even the banner.

Signed
Paranoid Spelling Introvert Bed Wetter

[polly]

Woo-Hoo! You funny rady rynette!!!!! Love your story!!!! Yea for Chin!!